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2018-01-05
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2015-11-02
Eleven
1 was not my first love, or my first kiss, but he was the first monster that ever took residence in my closet. His towering figure blacker than the darkness that surrounded me. He forced me to swear to him the silence of his name and the swallowing of my screams. What he stole was youth from a child who in search of all her life tried to gain it back but could never do so with the words, “You’ll thank me someday.” written in the walls of her eyelids.
2 was who I would claimed to have loved for 4 years. We never kissed, we never touched, and our hands would only be aquatinted. He was my best friend who easily earned the title by daily “how are you’s” and sore stomachs from laughing. I fell in love with the first person who ever listened to me. And so I thought.
3 was none other than my first kiss. He was the older boy next door who made me feel like the most mature 13 year old alive. We first kissed when he climbed into my window and told me how he adored me.
4 was my first ever long distance relationship. And being 14, that meant the next 2 cities over. But we connected as if our eyes met every day, and this connection would live on to create a life long friend, but ever too good to be with someone destroyed like me.
5 was the worst mistake I ever loved. We were both tricked into being adults. I guess you could blame hormones for producing such a promise that poisoned our teenage brains thinking we were forever. He brought a lot of regretful firsts, and now he loathes me and wishes to see my head on a stick, but I still hope he’s doing well.
6 was strong and was a quick reminder that I am a person who was meant to be cared for. We laid in bed, in broad daylight, and sang sappy r&b songs, but after that day, I never spoke to him again.
7 was the most respectful person I’ve ever met. He is the only secret I’ve kept and tucked away to think about only on rainy days. i enjoyed his presence but we never got to the chance to be friends.
8 was a drunken cry for attention and left me feeling like a bigger embarrassment.
9 saw pain in my eyes though he couldn’t quite understand it. I was a sad song that he sang with a strong voice hoping it would extract something out of me. He was the one who found me in a hole, helped me out but didn’t accept my words of gratitude. My insecurities drove him away so I became reluctant to share them.
10 was a poet who swayed me with his words, who’s innocence made me feel wilted and unworthy. I was in love with metaphors and symbols but was discouraged to like someone so well rounded, to like someone that was everything I wish I could be, a great poet, a clean conscious and a loud heart. Of course I had to screw that one up too.
11 is the sneak thief that took everything I had left after a piece of me was left behind each time, so he became the only thing I had to hold on to. He had the insensitivity of 1, brought laughs like 2, dreams of foreverness of 5, and the hardheadedness of 9. We’d end up together by a simultaneous fall and learned of each others’ weaknesses as though it was already hidden in locked boxes, in which our hands fit like keys. He tried his best to heal burns that seemed to never stop bleeding. I was a wild animal in his arms and he did not have the credential for taming. I was finally realizing my worth, that I would never thank boy 1 for waking me in the middle of the night or making me run away from every boy who I could’ve trusted. I grew ugly and sick and felt like giving up. I didn’t understand what was going on with me either, but I wanted it to end. He tightly holds my hand and tells me with his eyes that I am more than what boys 1 to 10 thought of me to be, and what I really am is a girl who fought best beside him. So we’ll keep fighting, until the day we move out of the room with the closet that holds these skeletons. And I’ll promise to build a new home with him with the conditions of occasional sick days, and then I’ll stop running away, then maybe I could dream of forever, instead of in numbers, to leave my regrets in past relationships and wear a real smile I know you’ve been waiting for.
Source: milaspoems